Are you listening now?
Do you see us now?

My first reaction was rage, then sadness, then the impulse to say something, and then, do you know my next impulse was? 

To not say anything.

“Be quiet, Tiffany.  Be agreeable.  Likable.  Don’t rock the boat.  No one else is reacting, so maybe you shouldn’t. Don’t react.  Don’t dramatize. Don’t overreact.” 

Years and years of “model minority” conditioning, and needing to be “good,” “unassuming,” “invisible.”

Wherever I went, I carried the stories that were told by a million other people on my face, in my eyes.  Identities that were created for me, not by me. When you’re any race but white in America, you don’t have the luxury of your own unique story in the half second it takes for someone look at you and form an assumption.

“Wow, your English is amazing.”

“How do you say my name in Chinese?”

“Okay, but where are you REALLY from?”

“Your food smells weird.”

“Go back to China.”

“Ching Ching King Kong.  Did I say something in Chinese?”

“Do you eat dogs?”

My white boyfriend asked me if he needed to bow to my parents when he met them for the first time.

People hearing that my husband is French, having never met him, and saying that my babies “must be beautiful.”  (Assuming he is white, and therefore, our hypothetical mixed children are more beautiful than just plain old Asian babies.)

Being called a chink.

Being called oriental.

Having people stretch their eyes when they see me. 

My mom asking me if I want eye surgery / putting tape on my lids to “fix” my mono-lids.

In France, everyone automatically assumed that I did not speak any French. People would look at my white friend who spoke no French and consistently reply to her even after I responded for the both of us.

Other kids in the classroom pairing me with the ONE OTHER Asian kid who was a boy and either asking if we are related or if were going to get married.

Assuming I’m quiet.

Assuming I’m subservient.

Assuming I’m an instrument for sexual fantasies.

Assuming I’m good at math.

Saying I’m “exotic.”

Idealizing whiteness.

Before the pandemic, being asked “Why do you all wear masks?”

After the pandemic, being antagonized and insulted. 

We have been your punchline for too long. 

If you think you personally don’t have racist ideas or assumptions about Asian Americans, please take a good intentional look at your assumptions.  You’ve also been conditioned to believe that you your views are the ones that matter.  If this makes you uncomfortable, it’s a good thing.  

Stay in the discomfort for long enough to see us.

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